Dating To Relating
Copyright © 2007 Mr. L. Rx
Dating activity is not a separate beast. Rather, exercising successful dating practices is a way to learn about and better understand women so that you can establish a good healthy relationship.
Dating is basically a time (or at least should be a time) when a person meets lots of people and formulates opinions and ideas about what kind of partner one gets along with best, is most productive with, and enhances or completes one's own abilities.
In order to do this, usually you have to meet a variety of people and see how it goes. Dating people doesn't necessarily mean you have to have sex with them, it just means you are going out with them, spending time with them, hanging out with them and getting to know them.
The most important dating principle of all is to meet and date lots of people. You know, it is what your mom and dad told you. Don't get serious with one person yet. Meet lots of people.
Meet lots of people and talk about relationships and dating with the people that you meet. Get other people's perspective on "dating" and "chemistry" and "relationships" and any other thing you can. Particular attention should go to clearing up any confusions or worries you may have on any dating subject.
When I got divorced for the second time and realized I really didn't know everything I needed to know about relationships and women, I decided I needed to just meet a lot of women. I used online dating services and personal ads and being the "advertising guy that I am" I quickly developed a flow that accumulated about 50 phone numbers a week. I called about half of these people and ended up setting up and going on two dates a day for about a year.
Now when I started my adventure I had no idea I would be doing this for a year, but truth be told, I didn't meet anyone that I really liked, so I just kept at it until I did.
Lucky me.
So, a year or so later, I had been on over 700 dates when I finally did meet someone and I settled down into what turned out to be a 7 year relationship.
During that year of intense dating, however, I learned more about women and understanding of women than I had ever learned previously in my whole life. Sure, I knew how to pick up a woman and get sex, but that doesn't really take a lot of understanding. I was looking for a more meaningful understanding of women. You know, what it takes to get married and live with someone day to day, happily, the rest of my life.
It was from dating and just talking to 700 women, however, that I began to develop a real good perspective on what this whole relationship game was about.
Before going out on these 700 dates, I was intimidated by good looking women, afterwards I wasn't.
Before going out on these 700 dates, I always had sexual thoughts around any woman - good looking or not - afterwards I could look at a women I wasn't interested in non-sexually, just as a friend. (Something women can do with men quite easily, by the way, but most men can't reciprocate).
After going out on 700 dates I realized that there were a lot of women that I wasn't attracted to and had no desire to have sex with, that I still really liked as a person. Conversely, I learned that there were a lot of beautiful women who were pretty much "ugly" inside. And no matter how beautiful they are on the outside, I would never want to have sex with them.
So I came out of my year of 700 dates with the ability to be friends with a woman whose personality I liked without thinking or acting sexual around her. And with the ability to say "no" to a beautiful woman with a rotten or even mediocre personality.
Before this year of 700 dates I was totally intimidated and invalidated as a being by a woman saying we didn't have "chemistry." (In the beginning I thought chemistry was the same for women as it was for most men - physical attraction-- but it wasn't. Woman after woman told me stories of men that they had no or little physical attraction to, developing "chemistry" by what they said and did on that first or second date.)
At the end of my 700 dates, I understood the word "chemistry" from a female's perspective and started using it as a polite way of telling someone I wasn't interested in them
You see, before these 700 dates, even though I had the ability to go out to a club and get laid every night of the week, even though I had been married twice and in several long term relationships, even though I was the father of 2 children, I was, like most men, bewildered and confused and totally lacking confidence when it came to relating to and understanding a woman. Simply put, they were foreign creatures - probably from Venus as the book says.
After my 700 dates, I was no longer confused. I realized that women were different than men in some ways, but in the most important way they were just like men.
And what way was that? Personality.
Woman just like men have varied and different personalities. They have rotten, mediocre and great personalities just like men. And their personality types combine with their physical types to create ugly women with great personalities, ugly women with rotten personalities, ugly women with mediocre personalities, mediocre looking women with great personalities, mediocre looking women with mediocre personalities, etc. all the way up to probably every man's ideal of a great looking women with a great personality.
Now there is some kind of "normal curve" on this whole thing and the majority of women fall into the "mediocre looking woman with a mediocre personality" range and the "hot looking woman with the great personality" is probably like the IQ 180 type - Rare!
The point is, however, that there is more variation between personality types than there is between sexes. I hope you get this because this is huge and most men don't get it.
The variations and differences between men and women are not as big a factor in the confusion regarding relationships as are the variations and differences in personalities within both sexes.
So, guys, it is not that "All women are evil, cruel, and vicious." Some are and some aren't. It's just that you've been meeting the wrong ones.
So back to the point.
By meeting and dating lots of women you increase your chances of meeting someone on that normal curve who is in the same place as you. And when you do, the differences between men and women are small. It is when you meet a women who is somewhere else on that "normal curve" of personality types that it all becomes confusing. And the math of it all is that MOST women you meet are somewhere else on that curve.
What is the solution? The solution is to meet lots of women and find one that is on that same personality spot on the normal curve that you are.
Meeting and dating a lot of people is the most basic principle because it leads to self evident truth. If you just meet a lot of people (The exact number may be different for each person. For me it was 700. For someone else it may be 50. For yet another it may be 2000.) there comes a point where you naturally learn something about women and people and yourself. The natural learning you get for yourself is senior to and much better than anything I or anyone else can tell you vicariously. It also is directly applicable to you and your situation.
Other dating principles that came out of that "700 dates" experience are the following:
1) Remember that there are different personalities you will be dating and that different personalities require different interaction. Don't ever be stuck with just "one way" of interacting with women. Try different things and see what works. Sometimes the same action on your part has almost opposite reactions on different personality types. If you observe this, you will know when to do what.
2) Use the dating experience to develop a concept of your "ideal woman." When I noticed a quality - either physical or mental or emotional - that I really liked about a woman I would write it down. I would also write down qualities that I didn't like, qualities that irritated me and that I was uncomfortable with.
From these lists of qualities I liked and didn't like, I eventually developed an "ideal" for the woman I would like to marry. I now know the exact qualities I would want her to have and not have - no confusion. This is what the dating experience is for. Getting to know people and yourself. Use it!
3) "Don't compromise your integrity" is another major dating principle. Men and women continually compromise their integrity when they are in a scarcity condition. A guy doesn't meet women. Then he meets one women who lives down the hall from him. They start hanging out and they have sex. Then she turns into a bitch and he can hardly stand her but he likes the sex, so he puts up with it although it irritates him. Occasionally or frequently they get in fights over things because of personality clashes.
When you are meeting lots of people, it is a lot easier not to sacrifice your integrity. If someone starts acting weird, you drop them knowing there is plenty more where that came from.
4) When you are dating and meeting lots of people it also helps if you are a non-jealous person. Actually, meeting a lot of people helps you develop into a "non-jealous" person. When you see how meeting lots of people increases your certainty on knowing what kind of person you want, you don't discourage others from doing the same.
5) It is also important while dating that you don't get needy. There is a principle here that is totally true. If after meeting some people, you kind of get along and start hanging out together, remember, while dating, you shouldn't go out with a person more than once or twice a week if you want to maintain a "dating" relationship.
If you start going over to the girl's house every night or 3 or 4 times a week, or even start calling a girl every night and talking on the phone, you are acting like a boyfriend and she will start treating you like one. You will be out of the dating stage and into the boyfriend/girlfriend stage whether you like it or not. Whether you intend to do so or not.
So don't be needy. If you are lonely, go out with another girl. I can't tell you how many times this saved me from "false love." False love is when you meet someone and you emotionally feel like you are in love and they are just perfect (even though you really don't know them yet.) Usually what is going on is that you are just emotionally needy and they have some quality on the surface that you really like.
6) Another major principle when dating with the purpose of finding the right girl and developing a long term relationship is not to get involved in sex too quickly. Find out how and what a girl feels about sex before you do the deed. Have fun making out and petting but just don't go all the way.
Having sex is used by a lot of personality types (both men and women) as a trap. If you have sex with them, then you are their boyfriend/girlfriend. So be careful - not needy. I tend to always have a sexual partner (this is a sex-only type relationship where you both just have fun and aren't looking to take it any further) when I am dating and looking for a serious relationship and meeting lots of people. This allows me to meet people without being needy and keeps me out of the trap if there is one.
These are basic "dating" principles that will allow you to meet lots of people, help you define what it is you like, dislike and are looking for in a woman, keep your integrity to yourself in tack, and eventually help you find that special person you are looking for.
Use them wisely!
Next time I will explain how these same principles can be applied to an existing relationship for betterment. (No, I am not going to have you go out and meet 700 women while you are married. But I will show you how the principle behind meeting 700 people can be applied to one person to better the relationship!)
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